i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
