There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
Who died my cat blue again?
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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