I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
Sacagawea was the original milf.
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Randomize
