Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
Randomize
