my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
You made out with two different species that night
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
It's no shave November. This is our time.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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