dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Randomize
