I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
