I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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