Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
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