I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize