I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
Randomize