Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
