I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
No, veal is cruel because they chain them down, I'm talking about free range human babys here.
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
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