i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
Randomize
