Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
you made out with another girl for some wings
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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