Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
Randomize
