did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
