remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Randomize
