Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
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