If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
He ate me out for my sailor moon manga and I gave him a blowjob for his Devilman manga. Pretty sweet deal imo
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