just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
you made out with another girl for some wings
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
Randomize