She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
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