You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
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