Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Randomize
