Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
Randomize
