i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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