Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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