I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Randomize
