Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
