She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
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