I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
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