Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Randomize
