is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Randomize
