I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
That was an excessively violent trivia night
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
