there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
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