Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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