Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
Randomize
