You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize
