I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
Randomize
