If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
