stop calling my apartment porn island.
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
