I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
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