I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
