this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
