Plan B is the new Plan A
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
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