I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
