so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
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