her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
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