i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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