evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
Randomize
