You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
