I'm at the bar with Ashley what should I do?
humiliate her
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
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