So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
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