i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
