even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
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