Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
