I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
Terrible. Enormous nipples with a small ring of boob on the outside. It looked like a tittie eclipse
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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