So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
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