I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
When did angry sex become our thing?
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
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