I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Yeah, it wasn't as bad as I thought. I tried not to clench and things went pretty smoothly.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
