Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
