i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
I got her a Nickelback box set.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Randomize
