I met the nicest Tranny last night. He/She loves Cheetos.
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
