I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
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